Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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