ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
