apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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