Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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