My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
