is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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