the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
