If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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