it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
