ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
