she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
pray to the hookup gods
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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