he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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