is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
