we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
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My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
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This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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