It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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