I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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