worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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