Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
