So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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