Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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