On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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