it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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