So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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