Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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