The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
