Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
