shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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