I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
There are leaves in my underwear?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
