I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
