On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
