she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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