I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
