do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
