I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
