Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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