I cockslap morals
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
