I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
