ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
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