people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
