I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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