Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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