I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
