Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
