You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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