I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
