Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
40s are totally the cure
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
