Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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