I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
he was CRYING into my vagina
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
