i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
