I puked a lego.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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