There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
