Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
