Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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