I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
