nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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