I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
