Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
