how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
