I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
